Legolas in Trouble
by Legolas-Thranduilio
Summary: After passing to Tol Eressea with Gimli, Legolas faces a terrible problem. What is the trouble? Can Elladan help? Warning: Excessive OOC-ness of characters. If you adore Legolas and have a shrine for him, do not read. Please RR!
1. Legolas discovers a problem

Disclaimer: I don't own Legolas, and I'm glad of it. My girlfriend would ditch me in a split second. I'm rather glad I don't own any elves or any of the creation of J.R.R. Tolkien, as a matter of fact. So ha. 

Note: This applies to all chapters.

Legolas was in a trouble.

            Not the "ohmigodlifethreatening" type, more general. Actually, even comical. 

            Before the War of the Ring, Legolas Thranduilio was pretty much no one. Sure, he was supposedly the prince, and yes, his father ruled all of the Mirkwood, but he will never become a king because elves lived forever, and it didn't look like Thranduil was going to pass away into Undying Lands. No, quite the opposite. Legolas had no doubt that he, the young prince, would pass over to the Undying lands before his father. And he did. With Gimli.

            Unfortunately, after the War of the Ring, he became quite a hero. He had about thirty thousand servants to wait him hand and foot, and all he did at Undying Lands was indulge in his prime desire – that is, to eat and to sleep, as well as fulfill his other desires. 

            He saw no problem in his life until one of his daughters – he had about twenty thousand concubines, and he had no idea who the mother of that daughter was; it would be as same as any – pointed at Legolas from about two inches away from him and calling to her mother, yelled, "He's FAT!" Of course, the poor child had no idea that Legolas was her father, and she was immediately hushed. But the damage was done. Legolas' mind was hurt.

            Legolas had no idea why he had gained 30 pounds – as was revealed by the health-care specialist in Tol Eressea – even though he had a same eating habit. According to Elrohir who was now ruling Imladris, Aragorn was as skinny and sexy as ever. Gimli… well, he was on the obese side from the beginning. But Elladan, with his wife Mithiel, was as skinny and sexy as ever also, with lithe muscles and no hint of fat anywhere. Legolas had just heard that Elladan was complaining about his weight, not because it was too heavy, but because his clothes were now too big. And Elladan ate a lot. And it was A LOT. He used to devour whole baskets of bread in the morning, whole chicken for lunch, and he still said that he was hungry around 6:00 PM. 

Looking at himself in the mirror, Legolas sighed, decided that Middle-Earth and this whole entire world was most definitely screwed, when about two dozen of his servants – all called Mary Sue Greenleaf for some reason that he could not fathom – could eat two thousand pounds of chocolate cake per day and still look like basketballs stuck to a stick, when he, who only could abide vegetables, had gained thirty pounds. No, the world was most definitely screwed. 

            He went to his wardrobe and started to toss out the clothes from about four centuries ago that he couldn't wear. It was also his clothes that he realized that he was getting obese. It was only a few days ago when he decided to go hunt with Elladan and Mithiel when he tried his leather jerkin on – the one he used to wear during his travels with Fellowship – and it ripped right in two, around the middle. His hose refused to admit his legs, and his soft tunic screamed when he tried to fit himself in. His belt was about to burst. 

            "Damn," he said, after tossing about the whole entire wardrobe. "This is not good."

            "Legolas?" called a female voice. "It's us." Legolas hastily flung upon himself a loose gown and stashed the clothes under his bed.

            "Greetings," said the voices in unison as Elladan and Mithiel entered. Yes, Elladan was still sexy and skinny as ever. Legolas became a bit jealous.

            "Elladan?" he asked, after Mithiel left to investigate the kitchen. "Can I ask a question?"

            "Sure."

"How come you are so skinny?"

Elladan stopped and stared at the blondie.

"What?!"

"How come you are so skinny!" Legolas shouted hysterically.

Elladan started to laugh.

"It's not funny!" Legolas shouted, then sat down and started to weep.

"Oh, Leggy-Man, what is wrong?!" Elladan asked, startled.

"I can't – hic – wear any – hic – of my clothes!" the blond elf wailed. Elladan tried all his best to stifle his laughter. 

"Is that it? I thought it was something more serious."

"Can anything be more serious than THIS?! Gimli… well, he was on the chubby side." Elladan snickered. "But Sam, it seems, has now turned into a slim hobbit, which is quite unnatural! Frodo was always on the slim side… and you are skinny as ever as well as Mithiel! I'm the only one who's gaining weight!"

"Fine, fine." Elladan shook his head. "I'll tell you the secret, but I won't take any responsibility."

"I don't care!" Legolas howled.

"Very well then." Elladan sat up straight, and managed to transform his face into a somewhat grave, stern mask. "You need to get a wife."

Legolas, horrorstruck, did not move. 

"Legolas?"

"Ai! Ai! A WIFE?!" Legolas shrieked. "I kind of ENJOY my life, thank you very much! Do you actually think that I want to be with the offspring of bovine specie that must be somehow related to Melko? Nay! I'd rather marry a balrog!"

 "It's either you do that, or you become second Lord Delhein." Elladan snickered. Lord Delhein was the man they were acquainted to in Gondor, who was the commander of some division of the army which they could not remember. He was as rotund as a ball and just as thick as it too. 

"I am not marrying anybody. NEVER!"

"Have it your way, then." Elladan stood up.

"Wait… Elladan?" Legolas looked up. "Do you honestly see any decent female around here?"

"Oh yes!" Elladan's lips curled. "There are numerous beauties around you! A slender beauty with raven hair and startling silver eyes, a demure maiden with lush blonde locks and innocent blue eyes, some fire-spirited looking wench with flaming red hair and green eyes, an evil looking girl with jet-black hair with red streaks and red eyes…" Elladan went on and on, listing all the Greenleafs who hanged around Legolas' household, whom were all peculiarly named "Mary-Sue". With each "Mary-Sue", Legolas' eyes went wider in horror until they were on the verge of popping out.

"So there." Elladan finished after about 15 minutes of entire monologue. Legolas' eyeballs were on verge of falling out – literally. 

"They're all terrible! They're eviler than balrogs!" Legolas started to wail again, in a pitch that…

_sounds__ like a yodeler who can't sing getting strangled, Elladan thought as he clamped his sensitive ears shut. __And here I was, thinking his voice fair. What a mistake._

Legolas sobbed for what seemed like three hours – (three hours, 27 minutes, and 3 seconds to be exact) then stood up, and said:

"What about diet?"

"What are you going to live on? A blade of grass per day?" Elladan rolled his eyes. "Tell you what. You'll marry a Mary-Sue, and I'll guarantee weight loss in two days."

"Are you sure?"

"Dead positive."

"Alright, then."

Don't burn me for making fun of that elf. Why do girls like him anyway? He's supposed to be a weirdo. Tolkien said so.


	2. Elladan's solutions doesn't quite work

** Since all the reviewers were VERY encouraging, I'm going to continue this little fan-fictionette. Now starring – Elladan, Mithiel, (entirely my figment of imagination), Legolas, his new wife, Mary-Sue #1.

Legolas was going to die. Royally. He was going to die beautifully, but… 

_Definitely not in arms of Mary-Sue, MY PRECIOUS!_ He thought, stroking his lustrous hair.

"Happy Wedding, Thranduilio." Legolas winced as Haldir (who was very happy to enter at last) handed him bouquet of flowers. Legolas rolled his beautiful eyes.

Mary-Sue #1 snatched the flowers from his pudgy hands daintily, (Legolas had no idea how she managed to do that), and thanked Haldir with such a gusto that Haldir brandished an umbrella out of nowhere to stand her spit spray. "Oh, by Yavanna Kementari, I love your flowers! Diola llet, Haldeeer!"

Elladan, Mithiel, Haldir and Legolas all winced at Mary-Sue #1 pronounced Elvish with a terrible after – t.  Haldir looked like he was about to murder Mary-Sue #1 – mainly because she butchered his name.

Mary-Sue #1 looked magnificent this day. Her beautiful blonde hair outshined Glorfindel without blinding anybody, her huge blue eyes innocent, and her small, red lips in a smile. Her purple gown showed her curves without revealing too much. 

"Ohh, Lee-goe-lass, you look so bored." Mary-Sue #1 pouted. "How about we visit the Halls of Maandos?"

"Don't…"

"Say…."

"THAT!" Elladan and Haldir pranced upon the Mary-Sue #1, but too late! The entire space by the radius of 5 miles opened up, and the five – Mithiel, Haldir, Elladan, Mary-Sue #1 and Legolas – got sucked in.

"Where is this?"

"Ouch! Legolas, you are sitting on my foot! And you don't weigh as half as everybody would like to think! Get… off!!!"

"Elladan, would you please stop squirming around? What you are trying to grab is my head."

"Sorry, Haldir."

"Let there be light in my halls," said a grave voice. In front of them stood a stern-faced man, he who all elves (except Mary-Sue #1, who was supposed to be an elf) realized as Namo, the Lord of the Halls of Mandos.

"Mandos means…"

"That's not good!" Sure enough, eight elves, all armed with shining armor and naked swords in their hands, marched to their direction. Mithiel, Elladan and Haldir all scrabbled away, fleeing for their dear lives.

"Mithiel, Fëanor is supposed to be your ancestor!"

"Who cares about my great great grandfather!" Legolas caught up, running with great toil. "Ohhhh by Ulmo, who were they?"

Elladan rolled his eyes. "Thranduilio, remember your lore lessons?! That was Fëanor and his seven sons."

"Fëanor?!! Ohhh my god!" Legolas gasped.

~~~Back to Mary-Sue #1~~~

"Leggy! Why are you running away? They look nice!"

"Die." Was all Mary-Sue #1 heard before Maedhros' left hand, wielding his sword, ripped through her vitals with a nasty sound.

"See?! See how that well this whole thing went?! My bride died before spending more than half a day together!"

"Good riddance." Said Elladan.

"Yeah… I guess… But…"

"Don't worry, Leggy. I bought a supercalifragilisticexpilialidociously wonderful machine. It's called Mary-Sue-der." Mithiel brandished something that could be only described as, "a huge telephone box with whole bunch of cords sticking out." Legolas winced at his nickname. Mithiel always had ingenious ideas about nicknames, such as "Leggy", "Leggy-Man", and "weirdo" as starters.

"What, by the name of Fëanor, is THAT?!" Haldir gawked.

"Bringing up my old moldy ancestor's name is quite accurate, Haldir. Fëanor made this, because he had a so-called "Firy-Spirit". All it does is put you in a virtual world with a Mary-Sue. Looks like Fëanor had fun murdering those Sues, my old granpy hated them."

"I object to being called Granpy," said a haunting voice.

"Go away, Grandpa." Mithiel shook her hand. "Now, what you do, Leggy, is you step in here…"

"Legolas! COME ON!" Frodo whispered. His voice was soft, but it was enough for Legolas to hear. He shook his head. He had to save this maiden, who will surely die, her beauty diminishing in this nasty mine. Legolas hated mines. Brr. Nasty. He saw Frodo run away, but he stayed.

"Stay still." He told the maiden. The girl nodded tiredly, her black tresses falling upon her forehead. She looked tired. Legolas pulled her up, stared into her eyes, and then…

POOF! He fell in love with her. He was about to kiss her when…

"YOU STOLE OUR RING!" screeched a voice. "OUR ONION RING! OUR POOR ONION RING! IT'S LONELY AND COLD!"

Legolas looked down. Beside them was a scrunchy, grey-ish brownish creature with huge eyes and strings of hair on its bald head. Reflexively, Legolas stroke his brilliant hair. "Are you accusing me, Gollum?" he asked.

"Not you, WEIRDO! HER!" the hyper once-hobbit creature shrieked. "That UGLY THING ATE OUR POOR ONION RING!"

"No, I did not…" the maiden looked down. "Trust me."

"Oh, yes, you did! MY PRECIOUS!" Gollum shrieked. With one swift motion, Gollum scrabbled upon the maiden's head and choked her to death.

"Oh Mandos." Legolas gasped.

"For revenge, oh yes my precious, I think we will eat your stomach, to retrieve our poor onion ring." Gollum declared.

"Oh no…"

(A/N: from now, the last couple of lines may gross you out.)

Gollum ripped open her stomach and pulled out (if you are getting grossed out, do not read) her intestines, and started to eat it.

"Mmm…"

"Alright, alright." Legolas came out, his face haggard. "That's enough." 

"You look like you went through a nightmare, instead of a love romance." The female elf observed.

"Yeah?! What do you think, Mithiel the All-Knowing?! HUH?" Legolas yelled in her face. "I got my Mary-Sue would be girlfriend eaten when I was about to kiss her! Damn!"

"That is so not my fault." Mithiel rolled her eyes. Then…

Muwahahaha…"

"RUN!" Elladan screamed, but none of them could move.

"What devilry is this?" Haldir muttered.

"Line stealer."

"Shut up."

"…ha ha ha ha ha…"

"F…f… f…" 

"Are you trying to say the eff word?"

"No… fffff!" Elladan could not say the word.

"My dear granddaughter, did you like this?" Fëanor and his seven sons stepped out, Maedhros in lead. 

"Heeey, Mithie." Maedhros called winsomely. "Here's a present for you."

The she-elf snatched the present and held it as if it was a bomb.

"Don't worry, it won't explode…"

"The smell is making my nose explode," Legolas groaned. "It smells so bad…"

"Do I really want to open this?" Mithiel pondered.

"Yeppy, you do."

"I won't, then." Mithiel smiled, opened the package, and…

smacked it in Maedhros' face.

"Ai! Manwë damn you!" Maedhros shrieked, shaking his – stump – in the air. Elladan snatched a sword out of her sheath, and tapped the stump with the flat of her sword. Maedhros tried to charge, but the Elf sidestepped lightly out of the way, laughing.

"I don't like you, descendent," Maedhros said with a pout that seemed hereditary. Legolas had seen Elladan wear the exactly same pout.

"Ta ta!" Elladan pranced, crashed into Maglor, who crashed into Legolas, who…

tumbled straight into Mary-Sue-der. 

Please R/R! The reviews are the only things that keeps me going. 


	3. Legolas' trouble continues Fëanor does a...

_Legolas__ woke up. A cold cloth was on his forehead – where was he? He tried to sit up, but his arms won't hold him up, even for couple of seconds. He sank into the soft bed, sighing._

_"Are you alright, Prince Legolas?" said a gentle voice. Legolas turned his head towards the direction which the voice was coming from. His eyes widened._

_He was somewhere in Rivendell, but that wasn't the point. In front of him stood a beautiful woman – elf, obviously. Her raven hair was long and shiny, her eyes deep, calming blue. She was tall and slender, just like a lily… in fact, like Aredhel Ar-Feiniel…_

_"You're beautiful, my lady. I say in earnest." Legolas whispered. The woman smiled._

_"Although it may be a lie, Prince, I still thank you for it. I'm Luinlothwen." The woman smiled. Her smile was dazzling. _

_Legolas__ fell into slumber peacefully, Luinlothwen's eyes the last image in his mind._

"He's not doing good."

"No." Feanor (A/N: I'm getting tired of putting dots on e's, so I won't. Ta ta.) observed next to his great great great granddaughter. "My Mary-Sue-der isn't working! By Aule!"

"Legolas sure looks happy." Haldir commented. Elladan nodded. 

"Maybe Legolas belonged there, among the Mary-Sues. Maybe we should just lock this telephone booth…"

"A MARY-SUE-DER!" protested Feanor's angry voice.

"Shut up." Elladan said to his ancestor. "What I was saying is that, maybe we should lock this telephone booth and leave."

"Good riddance," was all Mithiel said. She was something quite close to a Mary-Sue, except for one thing – her temper exceeded her great great great grandfather. By a lot. Which was exactly why Elladan married her, much to the curiosity of all. And Legolas always drove her batty, who drove someone else batty instead. 

The three plus the Feanor and his sons stared into the box again.

_"They say that you were treated by Lady Luinlothwen," Elladan said to Legolas. "The most beautiful of all creatures ever to grace the Earth!"_

"I don't say that. I know Luthien Tinuviel was the first, maybe second is Grandmother…"

An angry hiss came from Feanor.

"What?"

"SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME ONE GODDAMN HAIR! I ASKED FOR ONE, AND SHE REFUSED, WHILE SHE GAVE THAT DWARF…"

"How did you know this?" Haldir asked.

"Never you mind." Feanor brushed it off. "Anyways, my point is, I don't like my niece."

"We know that." Mithiel snapped. "Now do shut up."

_I never knew that, Legolas thought. But she was beautiful._

"Duh. She's a Mary-Sue. Mary-Sue never has a bad hair day." Maglor whispered. Feanor and Mithiel slapped him.

_"She's the best healer, she is the most beautiful of all, and she is the princess of Rivendell, daughter of…"_

"The nonexistent monarch of Rivendell." Elladan muttered. 

_"Elros, who left a daughter before he went into the world of men.__ My cousin, yet so distant. Legolas, you are honored."_

_Never did Legolas say to anyone that he was enchanted by Luinlothwen, and she to him. From the first moment they loved each other – _

"How?"

_and__ their pursuit of love would bring hope to the world. Legolas knew that this would be difficult, attaining her, but he would do it. And she would be his._

"This sounds like a bad mix-up from Dragonlance."

"You read it?!"

"Duh." Celegorm snorted. "It's good."

"The world's going to end." Elladan whispered. "Celegorm the Slow finally pointed something out before anyone else."

_It was when Luinlothwen and Legolas were alone in a room – _

"What were they doing, alone in a room?"

_when__ Arwen Undomiel came in._

_"Greetings, Arwen." Luinlothwen stood up. "You look fine, just as always."_

_Before Luinlothwen could open her mouth to say the next word, Arwen threw a dagger into Luinlothwen's chest._

_Legolas__ wailed, then forgot about Luinlothwen, and walked off to find something to eat._

"YES! It's WORKING!" Feanor danced. 

"Your machine always makes the Mary-Sues die in a bloody way, father." Amrath scrutinized. 

"GO ARWEN! GO SISTA!" Elladan screamed in a most un-elfish way. Elladan and Feanor took hand in hand and started to dance, disco-style. Just then, Legolas crawled out, looking fatter than ever.

"The setting is a wrong choice." Legolas commented. "Rivendell? I would be fatter than ever!"

"You are." Caranthir hissed sardonically. Legolas started to wail, which sounded like a hypersonic bat-killer. The elves all lied on the ground and started to roll in agony. It took a muffin (produced from Maglor's pocket – it was rather squashed) to silence Legolas' wailing. The elves got up.

"My beloved dies before I even get to marry them or have a kiss." Legolas whined. "This isn't fair." Elladan and Feanor started to dance again.

"Try… again." Feanor suggested. His eyes were sparkling in a way that must have sparkled when he first created the Silmarils. He danced on.

"I'm getting tired," Mithiel said suddenly. Opening the door of Mary-Sue-der, she pushed Elladan and Feanor – yes, both – into the box.

A/N: I received a letter from my girlfriend that this is starting to sound like "Game of the Gods" by Limyaael. This is totally unintentional, and I apologize to Ms. Limyaael if I offended her in any way. I just don't like Mary-Sues. And yes, I sound not-masculine. My girlfriend's editing this, so I won't have typos. Thanks.

TribalButterfly: Thanks for encouraging comments! I do have another novel, but it is a typical Mary-Sue. I borrowed "Mithiel" from my girlfriend, who is a LoTR/Dragonlance/Forgotten Realms RPer. 

Rlenavampyre14: Thanks! It's pretty hard to intentionally write something "funny". Yes, Legolas would have a lot of troubles. He can't just be a super-duper elf forever.

Silver Chaotic of Randomia: Thanks! I'm trying to write one chap a week.


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